Probably one of the most frequent questions I am asked is how to talk to Mom or Dad about their later life care — the time when a change needs to happen.
In an ideal world these conversations should happen early, before your parent needs care, but in most cases, they happen when something has happened, and a family is now concerned for the safety of their loved one.
We can well understand how incredibly stressful these kinds of conversations are for every member of the family. Many of us may be in denial about the care needs of our loved one until a crisis happens. We may have a hard time talking about hard things or accepting them ourselves, and if your parent is anything like mine was, they will avoid any conversation about things that make them feel uncomfortable.
The elephant in the room can be alive and well in many families.
For you as a son or daughter, how do you approach a parent with some very hard news that will affect the future of their lives? Perhaps it’s time they stop driving, or time to move into Assisted Living. How do you get all of your siblings and family members on the same page, and what specifically needs to happen when changes happen? It’s a complex issue, and whatever that change is, we as their children want to do right by our parents.
This whole world of now having to “take charge” of a parent’s future is unfamiliar territory, especially for your Mom or Dad. No matter how long ago you grew up and left their home you are still their son or daughter that they provided for. They brought you into this world and they raised you. For you to show up one day and inform them that you are “in charge now” and changes are happening will not go over well at all. Once these types of conversations happen, you will likely be met with an attitude with their heels dug in.
Making a change can be very overwhelming for your loved one. Even if they know deep down that you are right, delivering news they don’t want to hear will be earth shattering to many of them. Telling a parent, they can’t drive anymore is like telling them to give up their lives and become dependent on others. Telling a parent, they need to move into assisted living or have home care come in can feel like you are asking them to jump off into thin air — like a leap of faith into the unknown. It’s not an easy thing to swallow, and likely these types of conversations will take time to get everyone on the same page.
So how do you start?
In my book The Advocate’s Heart I feature an entire chapter on having difficult conversations with a parent, but in a nutshell, here are my key tips:
- Don’t Parent Your Parent. Realize the foundation of every conversation you have, you will always be their daughter or their son. Approaching conversations with them with an authoritarian attitude will not work. Always be respectful and their “daughter or son” first. “Mom, can you remember that sometimes you had to make hard choices for me as a child growing up? What was that like for you?” This helps them understand that you are coming from a similar place.
- Talk about Situations, Consequences and Options. Take the “you” out of the conversation. “Dad that accident that happened last week has us very concerned as a family. We have been advised by your doctor…the police… the insurance… (it’s OK to sometimes tell a white lie) that there needs to be a change in driving. I need to speak with you about what these options are.”
By framing a question without blame and giving options, your parent will feel included in this decision. You can guide them based on the options you are willing to be a part of. Be mindful of your boundaries of the options that come up in the conversation.
“Dad, I understand that you are unwilling to make a change in your driving. I am uncomfortable with that option due to the increased insurance rates that will happen because of the accident, and most importantly, the danger this imposes to others on the road. I would like us to come to a solution that we are both comfortable with.”
“Dad, I was hoping you could help solve a problem for us as a family and I have some solutions for you that I have been thinking about. What if we could gift your car to your grandson who is heading home from college soon? If you gift him your car it will help him get a job and have reliable transportation for him to get started. I can make sure that you have numbers to use Lyft or Uber, and I will be available for you two days a week to run errands for you. What do you think of that?”
- Listen to Mom or Dad with an Open Heart. Don’t interrupt! As much as you want to contradict what they tell you, underneath all of their defensiveness is likely overwhelming fear of the unknown. Your compassion and your caring will help them to make a major change.
If you start having difficult conversations before they have to make a change, you can begin the conversation lightly. “Mom, sometimes I worry about your safety at home and lie awake at night in fear that you will fall and there will be no one there to help. Will you talk to me about ways we can start to make changes now, so you are safe in the future?”
- Be Trustworthy. Asking a parent to make a change and trust in you has a lot to do with your track record with them. Are you consistent with your promises to them? Do you always arrive when you visit on time? Do you call them on a regular basis to show them that you are thinking about them? Establishing a foundation of trust is one of the most important things you can have between you.
- Strive to Always Give Your Parent Choices. “Mom, I want to make sure you are part of this process and thus, I would like us to visit a few communities and see which one you are most comfortable with.” “Dad, let’s meet with a couple of financial advisors to see which one will be best to help you with the costs of long term care. I want you to feel comfortable with who we work with.”
Yes, sometimes that “choice” that Mom or Dad make aren’t the feasible one, but at the end of the day, they will know that you want them to be involved, and that these decisions are not being forced on them. They will know that you value their thoughts.
- Keep Communication Channels Open. In most cases decisions don’t have to be made immediately unless there is a crisis. Give your parent time to adjust to decisions that have to be made. Start conversations with, “Mom, I want to discuss something with you and I want you to know that I don’t expect us to make a decision today.” Give Mom or Dad time to adjust to what you have to share. I always recommend that after a major talk, call Mom or Dad the next day and ask them what their thoughts are. Praise them and acknowledge that this is a huge thing for them and that you are there to support them. They need reassurance now more than ever.
- Communicate Respectfully with Your Family Members. This is the time to put family squabbles and angsts behind you — if just for the time being. No matter what anyone in the family thinks, it’s vitally important for your family to get on the same page together when changes happen with Mom or Dad. If there is angst in a family, try to find it in your hearts to forgive one another for past transgressions. No one is perfect, and right now, your focus needs to be on your parent or loved one.
Set up regular communication with them, whether it’s a weekly email, or phone call. Take the time to listen to other family members. Let them feel heard too. Find opportunities to bring them into the process. Do NOT argue or bicker amongst you in front of your parent. This is the time for you to all be loving toward one another and most importantly, to your parent.
