We may see our parents from time to time, but over time there becomes warning signs that things just might not be right as they used to anymore. Entering their world, what are you noticing?
- Are bills and paperwork piling up?
- Is the refrigerator full of either spoiled food, or are they not eating healthy?
- What about their walking? Are they bracing themselves or hanging on to other pieces of furniture in their home to walk from room to room?
- Have they had any recent falls or accidents that cause concern?
- Are they isolating themselves more? Do you find that they are watching more TV than usual?
- Is laundry piling up more than it used to? Are they wearing the same clothes over and over again? Are their clothes soiled?
Over time, these warning signs are hard not to notice, and eventually, there will come a time when you as a family may need to have a difficult conversation with your parent(s) about making a change in their everyday living. It’s not an easy one.
If your parent is still living independently, there are some things you can do right now to help transition them in later years, in getting use to what may be an inevitable outcome for them.
- Establish a relationship with a Home Care agency before you need one. It is my personal opinion to always seek out a locally owned and operated independent home care organization. Once the relationship is established, when the day happens that Mom or Dad might need help at home, all they have to do is pick up the phone. All their likes and dislikes are already known. They can feel comfortable that the agency will be well versed in the routines and preferences of your senior loved one.
- Start having mini-conversations early. You can say to your parent, “Dad, I have been thinking about the future and as your need for care increases. Before we have to make any decisions about this, I would like to know what your wishes are. May we set a time next week to discuss this?” Give your parent a chance to get used to that there will be a discussion about this.
- It’s ok to set boundaries up front. In your discussion, make sure that your boundaries are respected. In other words, if your parent cannot live with you, that’s completely ok. You cannot quit a job. You cannot break up your own life. These are all reasonable boundaries that you need to follow. Also, you have to take care of yourself up front. In this discussion, it’s perfectly acceptable to set those boundaries in coming up with potential solutions down the road.
- Ask the right questions of providers. So many, when seeking a new living situation for our parent don’t know the right questions to ask of the properties they visit. Visit AnswersforElders.com and check out the Decision Guide on Assisted Living. There, you will find most of the necessary questions you will need to ask when touring.
- Emphasize that “no decision needs to be made today.” Even if it is getting critical, take the pressure off of your parent. The last thing they need is you pushing for their decision when things are being sprung on them.
- Bring in a professional. Here in Greater Puget Sound we have an incredible team member on Answers for Elders, Daphne Davis, who can help you and your family through any transition you might need in choosing an Assisted Living property for your loved one. Best of all, because Daphne is paid like a realtor, her services to you and your senior loved one is absolutely free!
- Pay attention to the residents where you tour. Are the seniors who you come into contact with, happy and smiling? Do you see event calendars? Are the activities in the community compatible with the things your loved one likes?
- Rent the guest unit when you move. One of the smartest things I did when moving my mom was rent the guest unit in her new community and move her in there first. That way I could get her new apartment ready and not feel like she would be stressed out by living in boxes. It was great for her to come and watch the progress of her new home coming together.
- Make the living space as close to “home” as possible. Don’t do what I did and buy them all new furniture. Bring items from home that are familiar. Make sure Dad has his favorite chair. Mom will want to have her wall gallery of photos. Find ways to downsize but make the living space feel familiar.
There are numerous ways that you can make this early transition easier for your parent. The key is, to stay connected as a son or daughter — and don’t try to control things. More than anything, when a major change happens, your parent needs to keep your relationship intact.
