For those of you who listen to the Answers for Elders Radio Show, my favorite word to help caregivers, is to shift from the term “caregiver” which denotes nothing but “giving” to someone else without thinking of self-care- to that of an advocate. To be an advocate means to “support” the care for someone. Supporting that individual is to come from a strong position yourself.
It may be a small shift in thinking, but to me, it helped me feel more empowered in my role as a caregiver. To advocate for my mom, was to help “be her voice” and helped me in consulting with care providers.
As you advocate for your own loved one, you may start to see your perspective in your role quite differently. You might find that in order to “support” them, that you need to listen more. You might also “advocate” to help them in their own everyday living, by participating actively in care conferences where they live, or working collaboratively together in the betterment of your loved ones’ quality of life.
- Get into your parents’ mindset: What are your parents’ highest values? What things are most important to them? What are ways you can bring joy to their life? Don’t be afraid to ask for help!
- Have frequent communication with your family members. If you have a large family who is spread way out, you might want to accomplish this by having a monthly conference call to catch everyone up to speed. You could also create private groups on Facebook, to share photos, etc.
- Create weekly routines that keep a sense of normalcy in your life. Stay consistent with your schedule, unless there is an emergency. Schedule doctor appointments on your “day” of the week that you visit.
- Find fun things to experience together. Even if your loved one can’t do much anymore, maybe just a short Sunday drive, or bring in a favorite treat can work wonders! When you visit, bring family memorabilia or a photo album. Have your loved one tell stories and their memories of the events.
- Be their voice. For Sometimes the hardest part of being an advocate is when you are speaking for your parents’ wishes and not yours. Try to remember that the choices they are making are about their lives. Sometimes you may not agree with them.
- Take care of YOU. Take frequent “time outs” and do things to feed your soul. Get adequate rest. You cannot be a good advocate for anyone if you don’t advocate for yourself.
There are times today that I look back on my years of caring for my parent and I think about the times when I was making life-changing decisions for her on her behalf. I learned about many of them the hard way, and it is my passion now, to help families understand what I had to get to on my own, much sooner. Over time, you will learn to find your groove- and be in rhythm with your loved one. Their wishes and their needs. It is a beautiful memory for me when that finally happened, and I wish that experience for each and every one of you.
