A well-respected geriatric care manager told me on my radio show that one-third of senior deaths involve Alzheimer’s or other dementia-related illnesses. If your parent suffers from dementia, even early stages, it can be extremely difficult to have discussions with them about important matters. There are several symptoms of dementia that compound communication: feelings of paranoia, lack of short term memory, and the inability to have rational judgment over simple matters.
Compounding symptoms of Dementia or Alzheimer’s with a (long term memory) Parent-Child relationship, you may find yourself feeling beyond frustrated in dealing with a parent who may feel unbending, obstinate or uncooperative. You also may feel like no matter how hard you try to please them, that they will never appreciate what you do.
All I can say is that these things are normal. For exercise purposes, put yourself into the shoes of your senior loved one, who doesn’t perceive anything may be wrong with them. Mild/moderate cases of Dementia can often times be the most difficult, because to your loved one, they do not have any realization that they are confused over facts. They can remember things that happened 20 years ago vividly, but tend to bring up the same question four times in ten minutes when you visit.
Change is extremely hard on anyone, but with a senior with Dementia, it takes constant reassurance, and compassion from you. There is likely a huge amount of fear, trepidation, and stepping out each day into the unknown. You, their loved son or daughter, may be the only stabilizing force in their life, and if there is any angst between you, they will likely act out.
I learned these things all too well when my mother was alive and I was caring for her. She would lash out to me when I corrected her on details. She didn’t like feeling “ordered around” when I was acting on her behalf, and it took awhile for us to somehow find a rhythm with each other. If you have to talk to your parent about something, here are some tips to make it easier.
- Always be positive and loving in your demeanor. Your parent may not track fully what you are saying, but they will take in your kindness and your heart. Make sure you sit down face-to-face, and smile. Be loving and caring.
- Speak clearly, slowly and distinctly. Don’t raise your voice, and if they act out, do NOT react. Stay even and loving, and if you need to take a break and come back to finish in a few minutes, that’s fine.
- Always give them a perception of “choice.” “Do you want to go to the store first or to lunch first?” “Do you want to stay here or come with me?”
- Address one thing at a time. Don’t talk to them about more than one concept. Let it sink in before you address anything else with them.
- Don’t correct them or be pushy. As a good caregiver, I bet you are like I was, when I used to correct my mother as she answered questions from doctors and nurses. One day the nurse took me aside and said to me: “Suzanne, the truth at this point in their life is pretty much irrelevant.” She was right. If it was really important that accurate information gets communicated to the doctor, write it on a note and give it to the nurse to pass on to the doctor.
- Spend time talking about the past. Long term memory is likely very much in tact in the beginning of dementia. They will love to talk about memories when you were a child, and sharing a happy part of their life. When you visit, bring a photo album or items from the past. Talk about happy times in their lives.
- Keep your sense of humor. There will be moments when the filter between their brain and mouth seems to be missing. They WILL say embarrassing things!
One time I took my mother out for Chinese food. Because she was an avid follower of Emily Post, (long term memory,) when a man walked in to the restaurant wearing a baseball cap, she felt compelled to say something to him. “Young Man, didn’t your mother teach you manners?” she yelled across the room. She went on to tell him it was bad manners for a man to wear a hat indoors.
I thought I was going to die and shrink under the table! Thank Goodness he was very gracious and removed his hat.
A little later, I quietly excused myself from the table, found him, apologized, and explained that my mother has a bit of dementia.
He giggled and said, “I figured as much.”
We both had a good laugh, and I realized that it’s okay.
There will come a day after your loved one is gone that you will revisit those moments in your mind and wish for them back. They are a fleeting moment in time.
I have a friend Lee, who reminds me always, “The World Will Breathe Tomorrow.” Things happen.
Dementia and Alzheimer’s can bring up things that you want to cower in the corner over, but try not to take things like that so seriously.
Thankfully, the world, for the most part, understands.
By Suzanne Newman
