The Month of March as we honor Family Caregivers, there is one thing that most of us will face as we are taking care of our senior loved ones. We will all likely face the time when that caregiving journey ends with their passing.
Grief, conflict, loss, and rebuilding we all must experience. It can be a very difficult time for families- more so than it needs to be. That’s why Answers for Elders Radio is privileged to feature Dan White of Evergreen-Washelli, as he shares with us ways to make that time of our lives go a lot easier.
I sat down with Dan to talk about how families and caregivers cope with the loss of a loved one, and how Evergreen-Washelli can help you.
I remember after she passed away for several months I found my mind going through “her” grocery checklist that I would always take care of for her. I found myself missing the wonderful care providers that I relied on for support, and when she was gone it was completely cut off from me.
As such, would you share with me what you see from the adult child who has cared for a senior who has passed?
DW- You know Suzanne, no matter if you are caring for a parent for a long time and their passing is anticipated, the loss still brings heartbreak and grief. Some express a sense of relief knowing that the pain and discomfort their loved one was enduring has finally come to an end. I see those who are thankful for the experience because they were able to spend adult time with a parent and learn things about their life that as a child growing up, never knew.
SN- What do you see are the family’s biggest surprises? What they are mostly unprepared for when their loved one passes?
DW- The biggest surprise is “Now What”? Many families have not preplanned final arrangements for their parent’s death, and do not know what to expect. We have identified approximately 124 different separate decisions and arrangements that must be made when a death occurs. Everyone grieves the loss of a loved one. You can understand how stressful making these decisions at the time of death can be. We encourage families to make many of these decisions ahead of time by discussing what your loved one wants.
SN- Do you find that families know what their loved one wanted in their final wishes, or are they usually at a loss of how to honor them when they are gone?
DW- Suzanne, that’s a great question. As families, we spend our time experiencing life — as children, going to school, working, marriage, having children, get-togethers on the holidays. The “elephant in the room” is rarely discussed until a death occurs. Some families we meet with share that their loved ones preplanned for every detail of their final wishes. However, many families we meet with at the time of need are not sure what their parent wanted. For these families, we share the many “life celebrations” that others have done. We are there to support the family when making these decisions.
SN- Do you have any advice on how to have these kinds of conversations with their loved ones while they are still alive?
DW- Let me start by sharing a statistic we know. Of purchases made at the time of death, 70% are made by widows and children. This is why it is so important to have discussions about what our loved ones want as their final wishes. Then we know without trying to assume or guess as to what our love ones want. It gives “peace of mind” to everyone. Unfortunately, in western culture, death is not discussed as much as it could be. After all, it is inevitable. I have always believed that by making end of life decisions while we are healthy is the best time, because all those involved can make sound decisions stress free. Having discussion with our loved ones about end of life choices should be as natural as discussing other life events like careers, education, financial planning, retirement, buying a house, etc.
SN- How does Evergreen-Washelli help families in their grieving process?
DW- We meet with our families a short time after the “Life Celebration” has occurred. It is what we call an aftercare visit. During this visit we check in on the family and supply them with grief materials and resources. We also have grief resources on our website. One great resource is an email subscription to our “Hope after the Heartache” program. We send messages that are inspiring, reflective and informative as you deal with your grief and healing. We also have a booklet called, “Answers to your Questions.” It is a guide to help Families and Caregivers navigate making final arrangements for loved ones. We host a Memorial Day program as well as a Memorial gathering during the winter holidays for families to come and join us in remembering those loved ones who have passed during the previous 12 months. Families are welcome to come every year to honor their loved one.
SN- What are ways to make this time easier for families?
DW- Losing someone you love is never easy. The emotions we experience and the grieving process is different for us all. I don’t know of any way that you can plan for such a personal experience. However, you can plan for the logistical items in advance, giving you and your family “peace of mind” knowing your loved one’s wishes are honored. Additionally, these other benefits could apply: no emotional overspending (can happen at time of need if no preplanning), protect assets from Medicaid, stop inflation by financially caring for your final arrangements today, taking the burden of decisions off your loved ones, and being able to make decisions together while healthy.
