As adult children, I do believe the majority of us want our parents to live their own lives according to their own wishes. Yet, as situations happen where Mom or Dad may have mobility or health challenges that extend beyond them taking care of themselves, their adult children have to learn to walk a fine line between honoring them and doing what they can to keep them safe.
As we age, we become more vulnerable. As their child, there is another factor. No matter what happens, you will always be their child, and they will be the parent. You will not be well-served in the dynamic with your parent by taking control and will likely be met with consternation and hostility. Your parent likely knows that their current situation isn’t serving them to their best quality of life, but they will likely tend to hang on to what is most familiar and to things they perceive that they can control over their fear of the unknown.
As their daughter or son, there is an added layer of a parental role, that will never ever change, and don’t even try to do so.
So how can you help your parent make the changes necessary to help keep them safe?
Engage in conversations gently and subtly. Realize with proper planning and prevention, no hard decisions will ever have to be made overnight. As you begin to notice changes in Mom or Dad’s everyday living, you can voice your concern in a respectful way. If you realize that your parent isn’t eating well you can say, “Mom, how about I bring over dinner a couple nights a week for you?” Offer to give them your time. “I will plan on us spending some time together over a meal, and it will be so great to have mother/daughter time.” When you visit and bring dinner, bring other items too that are nutritious.
Survey their bathroom and traffic areas. Are there appropriate grab bars installed? Is their home Aging in Place Friendly? If not, engage your siblings and other loved ones. Tell Mom and Dad that you want to come over for a family gathering and to do some things around the house. Make it fun. Emphasize that this is simply for a precaution. Emphasize the quality time spent and minimize the emphasis on changes.
Start conversations well in advance. “Dad, I would like to arrange a time to visit with you and mom so that I can know that when and if the time comes that decisions about your future need to be made, I know what you want.” Do not spring it on them, but simply give them time to ease into decisions. Even give them list of things in advance that you want to talk about. This will be helpful to the conversation and will help minimize surprises or resistance. Make a list of, “What do you want if” happens. List scenarios like if you cannot take care of yourself. When you pass away, etc.
Always give your parent a chance to prepare for difficult conversations and tell them up front that there is no need to give you an answer “today.” Realize that in advance, you are there simply to listen to them and not push them into anything. They may give you desires that are unreasonable, but this is a topic for a later time. At least you are aware of what they desire, and they feel heard.
Tour retirement living communities well in advance before you need to: Senior living may be an option for your parent. Get a list of events from the communities in your desired area and invite your parent to go with you and attend a couple of events. Allow your parent to experience the lifestyle and individuals who live there. It helps them see that it isn’t so scary after all, and they might actually enjoy the interactions with other residents.
Minimize family conflicts in front of your parents: As a family, make sure that you come together and keep your differences between you and not in front of your senior loved ones. It is normal to have differences, but I believe that all of you have the best interest of your parent in mind. Don’t put them in the fray of your own conflicts when it comes to their circumstances.
Be sensitive to their fears and vulnerabilities: Don’t be surprised if your parent lashes out, or has a temper due to changes. Your role will be to not take it personally. Their fears can project anger, and your understanding of this can be helpful in making transitions. Listen to them with an open heart. Forgive them for the nasty things they may say to you and surround them with a lot of love through these times of change. If it gets too much, take care of yourself by walking around the block, or venting to a friend over the phone. Learn to have a sense of humor about inappropriate behaviors coming from your parent. Your compassion will mean everything as times goes on.
Understand for almost everyone- Change is hard! If you were feeling forced to leave a place that has memories for 50+ years into the unknown, you might feel overwhelmingly resistant too. Give your senior loved one time to adjust and realize that they might be terribly angry at first over changes like this. Sometimes just a validating statement means everything. Then, gently remind them why the changes are necessary. “Dad, I know that this is likely one of the most difficult things you have ever had to face. I don’t blame you for being angry. I wish things were different. It reminds me of the things you taught me that I had to face when I was young.” “Mom, we as a family wish you didn’t have to go through this too. Remember when I had to face things that were scary? You always helped me through it, and we are going to help you too.”
Planning for a “new normal” is a process, but in the end with the right kind of preparation, your family can make it a lot easier on your parent when and if changes need to happen.
