Experiencing uncomfortable feelings as a family caregiver are normal, but resentment is one of the worst and almost everyone experiences it, and yet, they don’t talk about it. You have resentment for the situation you find yourself in; resentment towards your care recipient; resentment towards others who aren’t experiencing this journey and often resentment towards a spouse who is NOT sharing the responsibility, or worse; makes you feel guilty because you aren’t always available.
When resentment is driving your emotional bus, you’re headed for trouble. These feelings are normal especially when you’re life has dramatically changed, but it has to be dealt with in an open, honest way and it starts with the conversation you have with yourself. Before you read any further, you have to figure out just how much you matter. Do you matter? Does your life matter? Answering this question is a game changer.
Here’s a common scenario about resentment. Caregiving is now a part of the family dynamic, but your spouse goes off to work every day and has a chance to get out and be with people in a social setting, while you stay home and are the caregiver. It’s a perfect storm for resentment.
What happened? How did it happen? And more importantly – Why did it happen?
The problem is that most of us end up being “Accidental Caregivers.” We don’t plan for it, (even though we know we should); it just happens and then we’re caught trying to handle a situation that we think will be temporary. The problem, however, is that it’s usually NOT. So from the very beginning of caregiving, your life is thrown into turmoil, and resentment creeps in when you feel like you’re the only one doing the heavy lifting.
When this happens, it’s important to step back and try and see your situation through a different lens. (This is where getting some help can make a big difference.) Let’s say you suddenly find yourself taking care of your mother-in-law because you have the most free time; are better suited for the tasks of caring for another; and your work scheduled isn’t as demanding. In the beginning, it’s fine, right? But as time goes on, you start to feel resentment towards your spouse. If this is the case, you have to take some action to change what isn’t working, but you also need to examine what’s going on.
- You’re resentful because he gets away every day.
- He has a life and you don’t.
- You feel like caring for his mother/father is NOT your responsibility (even though you took it on in the beginning). It’s worse if your spouse has siblings and they aren’t involved.
- You don’t get the help you deserve.
- You feel like you’re going it alone and eventually you become resentful.
Sound familiar? It’s time to face the facts; deal with reality and have a conversation.
- Have you considered this? What happens if your spouse doesn’t go to work every day? What happens to your financial situation? Who will be responsible for the finances? (Resentment often dissipates when you face this question head on.)
- Tell your spouse in a calm and sincere voice exactly how you’re feeling. Don’t place blame or accuse him of being a horrible person, but rather speak from your feelings. “This makes me feel like,”(fill in the blank.) We are always received better when we speak from a feeling place rather than an accusatory one.
- Ask your spouse to get you some help – even if it’s a few hours a week. Ask for relief. He probably doesn’t even know you’re feeling like a prisoner. If you keep doing the same thing over and over again, while hoping he notices your struggle; you’re really setting yourself up for failure.
- Let him know that you don’t want caregiving to interfere with your marriage. Be clear about your personal needs. If he balks, stop the conversation and circle back around at later time. He must hear you and you must find a way.
- Create specific systems and procedures around your caregiving duties. Write them down so that someone from the outside can come in and know exactly what needs to be done. This is also a great way to show your spouse exactly what you do on a daily basis.
At the end of the day, you have a responsibility to yourself. Personal happiness is up to each of us. If you’re feeling resentful, you can’t possibly be happy. The caregiving journey affords each of us the opportunity to do more self examination than ever before; to get in touch with our feelings; to honor our needs, while also giving comfort and care to another. Challenging times often lead us on a personal journey. Make sure yours has a positive outcome.
By Cindy Laverty
Cindy Laverty is a Caregiver Coach who specializes in helping families and individuals put systems and strategies in place to make the caregiving journey less stressful and more rewarding. She is affectionately called, “The Fairy Godmother of Caregiving,” and Cindy transforms caregivers’ lives through her on line programs. She is the Founder of The Care Company, an Internet-based company dedicated to help caregivers get the answers they need. You can find Cindy at www.thecareco.com where you can get a copy of Cindy’s Top 100 Caregiver Tips.
