As we talk about Caregiving in this edition, I wish I had a dime for every single time I have heard someone in my age group use the expression, “My folks are just fine” as an excuse for not being prepared for their aging years. I have a confession to make, nothing makes the root of my belly boil more, because I see myself in what they are saying. I feel the guilt feelings of not being better prepared in my own early caregiving years, and I also wish like everything that I could replay the past.
Yes, we did the best we could, Mom & I. I will be forever grateful to her for her patience and her understanding of my learning curve, and how we both worked hard to become a team in her care. If there is one thing I wish more than anything, and something that drives me each and every single day, is to raise awareness to just how important it is to understand what likely will happen when your parents age, and how you can best serve them.
Watch out for these mindsets creeping up within your family, because truly, they are the greatest saboteurs in your parent’s care down the road.
1. Lack of Communication
Have you and your family sat down with Mom & Dad and discussed their wishes for their aging years and end of life? As difficult as these discussions are, they are vitally important.
Do you know the answers to:
- Who will be the Power of Attorney in the Family for Financial and Health Directives?
- Do you know where to locate important documents such as deeds to a home, car titles, safety deposit boxes, insurance certificates and policies, their due dates, and what your parent’s monthly obligations are?
- What about your siblings? Is everyone on the same page?
2. Family Dynamics
That is a whole other subject unto itself. Everyone in a family has a different experience of their loved ones. We all have our own individual filters in how we see things. The best thing you can do is have an open communication and stay open to what others in your family observe. These discussions should not only include all of you, but ultimately, you need to recognize that your senior loved ones need to be included also.
If your parent or loved one has health challenges, take the time to learn exactly what they are, but what is the likely path that these issues can take. Not to scare you, but to be able to react if these issues raise concern in the future.
3. Ignoring Your Loved Ones’ Emotions Around the Planning
Take the time with your senior loved ones to have the difficult conversations, while assuring them that “no decisions are being made today.”
Making difficult decisions with your loved ones, especially in moving out of their home to an assisted living or adult family home, will be asking them to step out into the unknown. Fear is normal, and it’s likely to show itself as obstinance or heavy resistance.
Having compassion for their process and letting them know that no one will “force” them to do a thing in these discussions are important. By having these conversations in advance, it will be a lot easier on them and on you all as a family.
4. Failing to Plan for Caregiving.
One of the biggest planning decisions is a family discussion on “who” will be the primary “caregiver” for your senior loved ones. Once that is established, the rest of the family members should fall in line to support them. Listen to their thoughts and do your part to help them by giving them a break, or even an ear on the phone.
If you are the caregiver, your plan should NOT be giving up your life. Find ways to integrate caregiving into your life but without giving up your job, your family or your hobbies.
5. Parenting Your Parent
Remember, if you are the son or daughter, that your relationship will never change. Don’t “parent your parent.” Honor the relationship that you have with your senior loved one. Remember, as frustrating as it might be at times, they will always be your parent, who cared for you when you were young, and who put up with many frustrations in your early years. You owe them the respect and dignity that they have earned in your life.
