1. Never “Parent Your Parent.”
Keep the respect turned on no matter what. When you order your parent, or be authoritarian over them it will do two things. It will create serious resistance from them, and even worse, it will destroy a foundation of trust or solid balance between you. Does it make it hard sometimes when they are being difficult and unreasonable? Sure, in the short term it will, but the caregiving journey is likely a lot longer than this one incident. Your parent, no matter how their health declines, deserves respect for the role they have lived in their life. Don’t let ANYONE tell you otherwise.
Always remember that in your conversations. Always seek to have conversations with a respectful tone, and never forget that your loved one made many sacrifices for you when you were growing up.
2. Avoid Caregiver Burnout UP FRONT!
Check in frequently with your mental psyche. Are you getting enough rest? Have you been eating right? Are you exercising? If you do not take care of yourself, trust me, you will fall into the rabbit hole of burnout! You cannot give to others from what you do not have to give to yourself! Taking care of YOU isn’t selfish! It is necessary!
3. Deal with Difficult things UP FRONT.
According to numerous studies, close to 80% of families are completely unprepared for their parents’ aging years. It is most often a crisis where families are left to deal with numerous things that must be taken care of, and it causes a lot of stress and extra expense to families who live in denial. There are several conversations that need to be had with your senior loved one. This includes a visit to a good Elder Law/Estate Planning Attorney to make sure financial documents are in place should your loved one become incapacitated. It also means having conversations about what their wishes are if this happens to them.
4. Look for the Diamonds!
I had a beloved aunt who used to remind me that adversities form me in life. When things are hard or life isn’t fair to “look for the diamonds” that would help me polish my character. I learned to embrace the hard things and seek out the things I have to be grateful for. Take 10 minutes each day to ask yourself the following:
- What was the most valuable thing I learned today?
- What am I most grateful for?
- What made me smile today?
- What did I learn today?
- What were my most shining moments? What situation about today am I most proud of on how I dealt with it?
- What have I discovered about MYSELF today? Did I find more patience than I thought I had? Did I uncover a great way to communicate with my loved one? Did I discover a new skill or way of doing things?
5. Track Finances Separately.
Nothing creates strife in families more than money. Some siblings will think you are spending your loved ones’ money foolishly. Others will question your own expenses in caregiving. If your loved one needs to qualify for Medicaid, your financial trail for the past FIVE YEARS in caring for them will come into question. My recommendation is to open a separate bank account for caregiving costs, and give your siblings access to view it. If your loved one reimburses you for things, make sure you make a notation of what these things are for, and make sure you save all receipts. Also, accept help from siblings if they offer! I happen to believe that a family caregiver should not bear all expenses on their own. Make it easy for your family to become part of this process.
6. Get Educated.
No doubt, one of the biggest stresses of caregiving is making decisions without feeling like you have all the facts or information that you feel you need to have! Take the time to learn and understand the process of senior care. Sit down with various experts, and of course on Answers for Elders we have numerous resources for you, including a Decision Guide that helps you understand the various interconnected aspects of senior care as you are navigating the journey.
7. Be Proactive about Your Own Well Being.
Don’t become the sacrificial lamb. Learn to set healthy boundaries, and create relationships with providers who can help you in the process. Yes, you are taking on a huge, overwhelming at times, responsibility and for you to just dive in without seriously looking at how you can do this without thinking about your own well being is a recipe for disaster.
- Schedule a regular “ME DAY” weekly.
- Interview home care and/or professional relief caregiver—even if you don’t need them right now.
- Keep your exercise schedule and make a commitment to get fresh air every day
- Eat regularly and healthy, and get plenty of rest.
- Don’t forget your own regular medical checkups
- At the beginning and end of each day, revert to tip #4
8. Don’t Lose Yourself!!
It’s common for a family caregiver to just let go of friends, social activities and hobbies that bring them joy. Instead, find ways to keep these activities part of your life! Ask yourself seriously — If caring for your loved one is too much, or are you in over your head?? If you truly answer “yes,” then it’s time to seek out options to help you. Caregiving should be part of your life, but it should not EVER be “your whole life.” If the circumstances call for you to do more for someone else than you are capable of doing for yourself, then it’s time to seek out professional intervention. Reach out, and we can help to set you up with a complimentary meeting with some of our providers.
9. Ask your friends to bring LAUGHTER into your life!
Caregiving can be HARD! Relationships with siblings can sometimes be even harder in this time! I believe in many ways, caregiving can be one of THE most heavy things we deal with. If you have a friend who you confide in or who is close to you, they have likely said to you, “If there is anything I can do for you let me know.” I remember friends who said that to me and I was completely blank on how they could help. Now I know exactly what I should have asked for. “Please bring laughter and joy into my life!” That may mean a frequent phone call where you can vent and the two of you can laugh at the craziness of caregiving. It might be a lunch out, or an afternoon of retail therapy! It might mean going wine tasting or going for a cup of coffee! Whatever that means for you, don’t minimize the power of laughter! It can be your lifeline.
10. Forgive the Past and Open Yourself up to New Possibilities!
For many of us, we have a lot of emotional baggage from hurts in our childhood from our parents, or siblings. We may feel conflicted about caring for them because of their behaviors toward us. Actually, I don’t know a single family I have ever worked with who does not have their share of friction in one way or another with each other. Take personal inventory over what causes you grief and pain and embrace the hole in your heart that hurts because of it. At this point in your loved ones’ life, they are likely completely clueless about the pain they have caused you, and they are not capable of changing.
I know just telling you to “forgive” may seem trite, however in the long run it will free you from the binds that this energy has over your life. Sure, your buttons are likely to get triggered. You are likely to feel that rage, hurt and anger again, but to recognize that “this is not part of my life any more” you can give yourself permission to walk around the block, to call your friend and laugh about it, or to pray to gain strength.
