The Core Truths of Advocacy

Excerpted from The Advocate’s Heart by Suzanne Newman

In almost every family, there is a person who becomes the caregiver for the parent(s). Typically, that person is a woman. But more and more, men are stepping forward to become that noble caregiver. I now speak to caregivers all the time. Most express exhaustion, disconnection from their previous life, lack of social opportunities and put upon themselves an expectation to be everything to everyone.

This book is about reinventing yourself as a caregiver and opening yourself to greater possibilities. It’s also about not losing yourself in the process. It’s about providing tools to educate yourself on the world of eldercare, both good and bad. Most of all, it’s about working on yourself. When you are an advocate for your parent, you are empowered to make the right choices, not only for your loved one, but for yourself as well. The foundation of Advocacy has to do with respect, both for your loved one and yourself.

Here are my nine foundational principals for advocates:

1. You NEVER “Parent your parent.”

In my years of working with caregivers and providers in eldercare, there is one term that absolutely makes my blood boil. You see, your parent is always your parent. You are always their child. And if you have children, they will forever be your little ones and you forever their parent. Our relationships will change; of course. But ALWAYS treat your parents with the dignity and respect they deserve.

2. Avoid Burnout up front.

It has to do with always checking in with your mental psyche and working on your own self. If not, you will go down the rabbit hole to incredible burnout.

3. Deal with difficult things up front.

Did you know that for seniors, one out of three deaths are related to Alzheimer’s or dementia? That means that if you have two parents, the chances are high that one of them will pass away potentially not having their mental faculties to sustain them.

Hire a good estate planning or elder law attorney who can draft up documents that give you the authority to deal with healthcare, legal and financial matters of your parent should you have a need to intercede.  Also, prepay your parent’s funeral expenses.  Take the time early to honor their wishes for how they want things to be handled.

Much of caregiver stress happens when we have to make decisions of which we are unsure. We don’t know what to do, who to trust, or what our loved one would want if a day comes when he or she is not capable of acting on his or her own behalf. Having those hard conversations early with your parents and family, to take care of legalities is peace of mind to all of you! There is nothing more overwhelming than to have all the responsibility and no authority for a parent’s care, or not knowing what their wishes are if they are not in a position to act or make their decisions on their own.

4. Look for the Diamonds.

I had a beloved aunt who used to school me as a child on the “diamonds” in life that would be polished in my character through adversities that present themselves. That mindset was also invaluable to me in caregiving as I dealt with the day-to-day care of my mom. The hard days were often the days that my mom and I had the best moments. I realized more and more that every moment spent caring for my mom was a gift for my own personal growth and my character.

5. Track Finances Separately.

According to AARP and numerous studies, today in the USA the average family caregiver spends well over $5,500 per year on direct costs of their caregiving. For some, it’s even more. If you can, as a family, find a way to share in those costs, and create a “caring for mom / dad bank account.” It’s important to keep finances as part of your discussions. That way there are no surprises, or no reason to be put on the hot seat by other family members.

6. Get Educated.

On AnswersforElders.com we have a Decision Guide that helps you understand senior care from a holistic approach, including decisions to be made in Money & Law, Living Solutions, Health & Wellness, and Life Transitions or Changes. You can also reach out to our Care Line and consult with eldercare professionals.

7. Be Proactive to maintain your own well-being.

Because family caregivers can often be the “sacrificial lamb” of the family, they are given the role to care for their parent. They are usually the last ones to notice when they are faltering or losing themselves in this process.

• Take a break. That means getting away for a day trip, a weekend or even an afternoon of retail therapy. Find activities that will consume your mind as to not think about your caregiver role for a little while.
• Find fun things to do with your loved one. To share joyful activities together can revitalize the good in your relationship. Attend cultural events. Take Mom or Dad to a movie. Work together on special projects like scrapbooking of family photographs. Take Mom or Dad out to lunch and share a lovely afternoon together.
• Find a relief caregiver. There are many awesome home care organizations that can come in if needed to help you. They can help with much of the difficult parts of home care such as light housekeeping, meal preparation, bathing, dressing, or companionship.
• Ask for help. Family members can help you, even if they live far away. This may include financial help such as paying for services that help your job go easier, like housecleaning, meal preparation services, a home care provider or healthcare costs. If your family cannot help, perhaps you can start a group within your church to help shoulder some of the chores of home care.
• Seek out Adult Day Care options. If you are taking care of your parent in the home (yours or theirs) and they cannot be left alone, look into adult day care. Almost every community offers services and a place to bring your parent that can provide relief for you. This also gives your parent a very important opportunity to socialize.
• Get Some Rest. I know it sounds like the most obvious thing and you’re probably thinking you have no time to get any rest. And you might not feel as though you do, but sleep affects more of your life than you can imagine. Without it, you are seriously damaging your health. Ideally, you should try to get a good night’s sleep, but if that’s not possible, even a power nap can make a big difference. Put on a movie for your loved one and grab some shut-eye.

8. Don’t Lose Yourself.

The main cause of caregiver burnout is giving up you for someone else. When your energy is expended on someone else without taking care of YOU, your own well WILL run dry. Take care of you and make your self-care your #1 priority.

It is important to note that sometimes you are simply in over your head. Too often, families do not seek out skilled care out of guilt, thinking they need to handle caregiving that is beyond their means. The reality is however, that eventually your parent’s care will likely be too much for you. If your parent’s needs exceed your abilities, you are actually doing them a disservice not getting them the skilled care that they need.

9. Forgive the past and open yourself to new possibilities.

For many of us, there can be emotional baggage in our relationships with our senior parent. No doubt, our parents still know how to guilt trip us, shame us, and belittle us. They have likely made mistakes in our childhood, and they have done things in our lives that have caused us pain.

I don’t know a single family who has not had their share of hurts, sadness, betrayal, and misunderstandings. Many families today are as dysfunctional as they come. As you are doing your own self work, remember the longer you hold on to the anger and hurt from the past, the more and more difficult your caregiving time will be, and even more so after your loved one passes away. Choosing to be the proverbial “victim” will only keep you trying to prove yourself to your parent. And it certainly doesn’t help you in garnering any respect from your parent moving forward.

The Advocate’s Heart by Suzanne Newman is available through this link at Amazon.com.