Getting through the holiday season for families who may have differences or be at odds can be overwhelming. It seems like we all start out with good intentions, but at the end of the family gathering there can be disappointments and hurt feelings, which can spill over to a feeling of frustration for all.
No matter what the conflict is, no doubt, most of us believe that we “need to suck it up for the sake of our senior parents.” Yet, sometimes a family gathering can be overwhelming and hurtful to do so.
In my family, I was definitely the odd one out. I even remember one Christmas my mother gave me a black sheep and she thought it was funny! When she was alive in her vibrant years I lived in Seattle, and they all lived in the same small town I grew up in. My brother had married, had children, and they lived close to her. They were consumed with the grandkids, and their interests couldn’t have been farther apart than mine were- which was to be a high driving single career girl. I also lacked the tools to keep the peace when snide comments would come my way, and I would sling back my choice words, and a few times it got so bad that I actually left in the middle of the gathering- foregoing my Thanksgiving dinner or holiday meal.
If you are one of those individuals who feel tension and stress when holidays are approaching, and yet you feel an overwhelming obligation to be there for your senior loved one, I want you to know that you are not alone. I have been there. I may even have been the Poster Child for the person who was most triggered. There are many of us out there who can relate, including me.
I have learned to remind myself that each one of us are unique individuals with different interests, values and beliefs. Especially in families, where we have grown up struggling to find our own identities, we did so by contrast to each other. It’s common to see a daughter completely opposite in personality to a mother. Siblings can be completely different. The point is, when families come together, it is often our differences that define us as our individual selves- and then we wonder why we sometimes cannot get along!
First and foremost- the number one reason why families can be at odds is because they lack the tools or they haven’t done the personal work on themselves necessary to keep peace between each other. It was what held me back from being close to my family in my younger years. I simply focused on all the jabs that I took in when I was around them, and I would leave disappointed, hurt and angered. No, it wasn’t right in many ways what my family did or what they said, but it was ME who took it all in- to heart and allowed it to fester! I was the one who decided to wear the emotional scars instead of realizing that my family members were just as flawed as I was!
In my later years, I did a lot of work on myself. It was only after my mother passed away that I realized just how much anger I had toward the rest of my family. They didn’t ever live up to MY expectations. (Guess what? No one ever does!)
My wish for all of you now is to learn to find peace between you, despite all of your differences. Open your heart to them, but, mostly to yourself. Learn to do your own work on taking the hateful anger from your heart and leaving old grudges behind. How can you do that?
Here are our TOP TEN ways to get through the Holiday Season with Difficult Family Members
- Don’t Triangulate: Don’t perpetuate or engage in conversations or gossip about others. Stay away from family gossip, or any form of conversation that might lead you down a rabbit hole of getting into old family squabbles. Remember, what people are saying about others, they are likely saying things about you. By entering into this dynamic, you are lowering yourself. When you do not engage about others, you will find that their engaging about you is equally less important. In other words- what they think of you, is none of your business.
- Say “and”, not “but.” When conversing… Say, “I enjoy spending time with you AND at the same time I would appreciate it if we don’t talk about this.” Using the word “but” puts up a wall. It also negates the previous statement where you said the positive comment.
- Let Go of Expectations: This one can be a hard one, but it’s necessary. We can often enter a family gathering and it was because we had expectations of others, that we are triggered, and leave hurt and disappointed. Do some self-talk with yourself before you go. You may think you don’t have any expectations, but I bet if you get quiet you might find that there are expectations that you may have about a family event. Maybe it’s as simple as “If I do this, Dad will be proud of me.” “When I tell my sister about the community event I am organizing, she will want to be involved.” The point is, when you set expectations of your own making, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. Learn to let go of things. Let go of what others think of you, and most importantly, their reaction to what you do or who you are.
Your family members will always have their opinions and their values, but they don’t live your life, and you don’t live theirs. No holiday has to be like the last one. Every holiday IS different, and to arrive thinking things need to be a certain way or that other people need to do certain things is unreasonable.
- Take a Walk: If you find that someone has touched your buttons and you feel cornered, simply say- “I need to step outside for a while.” That’s it. Go for a walk, or if its pouring rain, sit in your car, turn up the radio and remove yourself from the situation and work on YOU.
- Set Boundaries Up Front: If you have challenges with siblings, take the time to tell them that you would like to be with them, and make the conversation positive for the upcoming holiday. Yet, tell them that you wish to no longer get into discussions that make you uncomfortable. Be sincere and loving, but firm. Let them know that it’s your desire to have a joyful time for all of you.
- Create Activities to Defer Negative Conversations: If your family tends to get into arguments, find ways in the holidays to lessen the tension through a fun game or activity. Maybe you love to all play cards, or board games. Perhaps you will watch a movie or ballgame together.
- Define Roles and Help Needed Up Front: Sometimes holiday gatherings have stress and tension because people might feel that the work of putting it all together was not equalized. Take the time to identify roles in advance: “Molly, I would appreciate your help to set the table.” “John, would you make sure that Mom gets in the house with her wheelchair ok?” “Mary and Don, would you pick Dad up and bring him back from the assisted living and make sure that he has an extra set of clothes and his prescriptions for the day?”
- Speak the Truth Gently: If someone says something to you directly that hurts your feelings, say it. “Dad, that really hurt my feelings. I cannot imagine that was your intention.” In other words, address the words, but not the person. “Sister Mary, I know I am not good with money. It’s something I struggle with, and that disappoints you. I am working on it the best that I can, and it is hurtful when the subject keeps coming up.”
That also means if a family member dictates to you what they think you should or should not be doing. I remember when I adopted my dog, I remember a family member telling me that I “shouldn’t do it.” I remember reacting gently to her, “I didn’t ask your opinion.” I said it nicely, but instead of getting into it, I just simply told the truth. She backed right off, and everything was fine afterward.
- Find Topics to Come Together On: Get out old photo albums, talk about good memories and create things to focus on that will bring families together. Talk about positive memories of your family members.
- Be Grateful and Forgiving: Make a point to go to each family member and find something to be grateful for. For certain members it may be difficult, but to find ways to speak of them with an open grateful heart creates a bridge to come together. Don’t allow comments to fester inside of you. Instead simply LET GO of them and tell yourself that today is too important to be hurt.
I have a dear friend who coached me once who told me this: “If this isn’t going to matter a week from now, then it’s not worth getting upset over.” In other words, don’t sweat the small stuff! That has helped me in so many ways- with my relationships with people, including in my marriage! The people who we feel the closest to are the ones who can hurt us the most, but what we CHOOSE to do about it will determine the outcome of the relationship.
After you leave the gathering there will likely be things that will have been said that you didn’t like, or that really hurt you, but remember, when you leave the event, they will be gone and out of your head- if you learn to let it go. They are not the judge or jury over you, nor are you to them.
There is a little book that I recommend for everyone who has a difficult family. It will take you all of about 2-3 hours to read, and it’s entitled: The Four Agreements. It will help you to not rob joy from your life, and also to help you to move past conversations with difficult people.
In closing, remember that YOU control your own feelings, thoughts and emotions. YOU are also responsible for what you do. YOU cannot change anyone else but yourself and your own reactions to them. BREATHE!! YOU can decide to have a joyful holiday with your family.
