In my world I speak with dozens of families per year who struggle with their concerns about a parent that lives in their home but struggles with every day activities. No matter what level of care a senior may need, finding the right approach, or sitting down with a senior loved one to have a difficult conversation isn’t something any of us desire. Thus, many families tend to put it off, and only have that conversation after an accident or emergency happens.
At that time, families can be in turmoil, the senior is forced to rely on their kids without any say-so, and it’s hardly not the right foot to step into new unknown territory. It makes it harder on everyone.
If you are caring for a senior loved one who is stubborn, or it feels to you like their heels are dug in, I ask you first of all to take a step back and understand that as one loses faculties or abilities, there is nothing scarier than the unknown. An individual will want to naturally hang on to what is most familiar, and even through their existing living situation may not serve them anymore, it’s what they know. There is also a sense of pride involved. Still living in their home gives them a feeling of more independence, even though they may not drive anymore and have to rely on others. To understand where they are coming from is an important step.
Secondly, do a self-check list for your own level of trust between you. Are you the dutiful son or daughter who always shows up no matter what? Can your parent trust on you, or do you “work them in” as you can, as other priorities come into play? Yes, you likely may be living a full life, a responsible or accomplished career. You might be still dealing with your own children or grandchildren and not see your parent as much as you should because of everything else going on in your life, but at the end of the day, if you only see a parent sparingly, it’s likely that your parent will have some trepidation toward taking a step into the unknown with an adult child that guides them who isn’t around very often.
Your parent truly needs to know deep down that you as their family, have their back. Thus, before you have any conversation with them, remember your action will speak volumes with them. Take the time to get to know their daily lifestyle. If a sibling is spending a lot of time with them over yourself, they are likely to trust the sibling more. Don’t take it personal. Be supportive and as a family, find a way to come together before any conversation with Mom or Dad happens.
Here are my Top Ten tips:
- Don’t ever “Parent Your Parent.” If it’s time for you to intervene in your senior parent’s care, be mindful that the relationship you have will always need to be respected. This is not ever the time for you to exert force or to dominate them into changes they are resisting. Instead, be supportive and gentle. Respect the fact that they are your parent, and that will never change.
- Offer Choices and Options: As decisions need to be made, if your parent is mentally able, make sure you always give choices or options when making major decisions. Understand that this is their life, not yours. The only thing you can control is how you respond and support the decisions they make for themselves. If they feel like they are forced into something, they will not adjust to the process well
- Stick to Agreements: If you tell your parent, “I will visit you two days per week”, then make sure you stick to that. Don’t say things you are not prepared to honor in the future. It is better to exceed their expectations with extra visits as possible, rather than to disappoint because you were optimistically giving them a schedule that you are not capable of keeping.
- Attend Special Events at Neighboring Senior Housing Communities: Allow your loved one to experience glimpses of the social lifestyle they will share in potential communities, or even spend a few days in the guest suite! Most senior living communities welcome your loved ones’ visit, and this helps to lessen the fear of the unknown.
- Reach out and involve all family members. If you are the primary adult child helping Mom or Dad make their transition to senior living, there are many things that need to be done. Ask your family to all come together through this process. Also, allow them all individually to share their own feelings. If Mom or Dad are in the family home that you grew up in, you will all share memories and process this change differently.
- Set Healthy Boundaries: It’s important at this time for you to do your own personal inventory and take care of yourself first above all else! It’s at times like these, that families can come apart at the seams. Stay out of family drama. Set a schedule and find ways to take a break.
- Grief and Your Own Feelings are Normal: You will have times of sadness, fear, overwhelm, frustration, and confusion. All of these feelings are normal at this time. Find someone who you can share these feelings with, who understands.
- Keep Lines of Communication Open: Schedule regular calls with family members at this time. Seek out ways to keep everyone in the loop on what is happening
- Handle Finances Carefully and Separately! Do your best to not co-mingle funds with your loved one. National statistics say that close to 45% of seniors outlive their money at the end of their lives. If your senior loved one someday needs to qualify, the State of Washington requires a 5-year look back period into financial history!
- Take Time to Share Memories: Remember, your senior loved one is going through an overwhelming process right now. Take breaks and share special moments. Talk about memories you shared in their home. Ask them about things that are most important to them to bring with them.
I am confident with the amazing communities that exist here in the Pacific Northwest that you and your family will find an ideal solution for you and your loved one! Take your time and get to know the staff and learn about the various activities that these communities offer! Don’t forget to have lunch or dinner and sample the dining! I promise you, you will be pleasantly surprised at the incredible quality of life you will experience!
