Special excerpt from The Advocate’s Heart, chapter four – by Suzanne Newman:
As the needs for change arise, it’s up to you to start the difficult conversations. It might be to give up driving (loss of independence,) bring home care help into the house (more independence lost,) move out of their home (loss of not only independence but security and familiarity) and so it goes. Your crossroad conversations with them are not easy. Imagine if you were in your parent’s shoes and had to give up the things you took for granted. Likely your parent knows they are losing their faculties, and they are trying to cope with somehow putting on a brave front. They don’t want you as their child or loved one to see their vulnerabilities. They want to and need to be strong for you! They still perceive themselves as your parent, your protector, the one who takes care of you.
Embracing change is only one part of the crossroads for a senior loved one. There are fears of the unknown, and fears of being treated like a discarded member of society. Giving up independence means relying on others for everything in your life. It is a very scary thing for your loved one, and yet, they all know that one day these conversations will have to happen.
If you are fortunate enough to have a parent still living independently, the greatest respect you can give them is to involve them in conversations about the future of their later life care. Be proactive and have these conversations (as much as possible) while they are still physically and mentally sound. If possible, have the discussion with siblings present (or via Skype, etc.) This can lead to a great deal of understanding, trust, and saved relationships down the road if everyone was involved in the same conversation. That way, you can gain their input on their wishes. It means discussing various issues, including:
- Where will you go after you cannot live alone and care for yourself?
- Who has power of attorney, either a healthcare directive or financial matters
- What about your final wishes? Do you want to be buried or cremated? What kind of service do you want?
- To whom are you leaving certain heirlooms? Make a list of who gets what, and put it in a safety deposit box.
If you take the time to have those discussions up front, make sure you lay out what will happen when the next phase begins. In other words, what does it mean when you cannot live alone and care for yourself? Make sure that you both have a clear understanding for what will be the triggering event(s).
If your parent is no longer independent, and you are past that stage, one ally for you to rely on is his or her doctor. Make sure you inform them about your concerns about their living situation and their independence.
For my mother, she pushed back at every turn in the beginning. After all, she really didn’t know what I would do or how I would act before trust was built. She was nervous about the future, especially after moving her to the big city to live near me.
Over time, I realized an amazing truth. She wasn’t pushing back because she didn’t think she needed to make the change. She needed to feel like it was her choice, that she had her voice, and that I knew this was her life. Making major changes means a paralyzing fear of the unknown for many seniors. Bearing that in mind, try to find ways to tell or show your parent you care about them and recognize the adjustment process.
After a few incidents, I became a master at giving her choices within my boundaries. It’s a formula I call, “Fact, Outcome, Option A or B.” If you memorize those three concepts, you will find it helpful.
Here’s how it works:
- Fact. Take the judgment or blame out of it. Simply lay out the situation clearly, both from their perspective and your perspective. Use words like “you” to a minimum, as it casts a blaming tone.
- What will life be like when it’s solved?
- Option A or B. Offer two solutions.
Here is an example:
FACT: “Mom, in the last month or so there some incidents happening that I am concerned that I cannot be there for you as you need me to be. This includes you taking a couple of falls, and there was that time that the kitchen stove didn’t get turned off and a fire almost started. Also there are some challenges in showering and dressing.” I can come and see you on Wednesdays and one day on the weekend, but it’s clear that more help is needed than I can give you.”
OUTCOME: “I want the best for you and me and I don’t want to have to worry about you. I also want to be able to spend quality time with you where I am not stressed to the max and coming here needing to do 1000 things and not have the ability to spend quality time with you.”
OPTIONS: “I have some options to discuss with you. You can either (Option A) keep our schedule the same and those needs don’t get met, and I will continue to worry about your safety and your inability to do things for yourself, and also we don’t get to spend quality time together or (Option B) we can find someone else to come in and supplement our visits. If we do Option B, you and I can spend more quality time together like going out to lunch on a Saturday afternoon instead of me doing your laundry.”
Either way, you need to respect the choice, and if Mom chooses the first option, you don’t change your life. She will have to live with the consequences of her choice. It soon will become apparent that she will then move to Option B on her own. While both options were acceptable choices, try to frame the information with a WIN on your preferred choice. Here is the key. You need to give your loved one a sense of control in their own life. They need to feel validated and heard. In creating choices, you at the very least spur on a conversation.
Soon you will become a master at “crossroads” discussions. Being more mindful of how things are presented also keeps you grounded in the process. It doesn’t take more than a few times when Mom or Dad are living with the options you give them that they will start to realize you have their happiness, safety and best interest at heart. You will eventually earn their complete trust. That is when you become a team. Their hopes will lean on you. Their respect for how you honor yourself will be shifted to them honoring you. You will discover a new dynamic between you that will result in a powerful foundation. No longer will you be their doormat. No longer will you be someone they “expect” things from, but instead, they will see you in a brand new light, one of respect, confidence, and most importantly, as their true Advocate.
Finally, acknowledge the fear of the unknown. Open your heart to what likely paralyzes them. “Dad, I know it’s hard to think about living somewhere else. You have a lot of memories here that you shared with Mom before she passed away. I know it’s hard going to a new place, meeting new people and having brand new everything. I will do what I can to make sure that Mom’s memory lives on in your new place.”
The Advocate’s Heart by Suzanne Newman is available through this link at Amazon.com.
