Suzanne: And welcome back everyone to Answers for Elders Radio Network, heard on your favorite podcast channel, on national radio in 24 different markets across the United States. And most importantly, right now, you’re listening to us and a wonderful guest by the name of Faith Marshall. And Faith, you’re wonderful, I’m so glad you’re here and I don’t like this topic! I don’t, I’m sorry. It’s really, really hard to talk, but we, we really need to be protective. And you’re a dementia expert. You work with families all the time that are going through dementia and you probably see senior scams more often with those with dementia, because the critical thinking part is not necessarily that well. What are you finding? Tell us a little bit about what goes on with those with dementia.
Faith Marshall: Well, I have one client specifically that is on the internet a lot, checks his email. He’s recently retired. And so that’s always been something that’s been part of his routine, but one of the things that does happen in dementia that is helpful is a sense of paranoia can set forth where they start to not trust some things that are happening. So at least he asks me when he gets some strange email with a link. Ask me about it, we talk about it. Sometimes I’ll log on and, and help him work through it. But he gets emails that are saying his antivirus is out of date. You need to log on and pay this. So sometimes he may think that’s a real thing and he’ll reach out to me and say, can you help me pay this? And my mind immediately goes: wait. And just with the few situations that I come upon, it makes me realize that it really is happening daily. I don’t know how many per minute, but it’s continual. And with someone that has dementia, telling them not to click in a link in an email is a recurring conversation, and putting up firewalls and things like that. We’ve taken those steps with computers so that we’ve go IT helping to monitor what’s going on, and it’s just such a big threat as well as them feeling like someone is helping them. That’s the pattern between all of these — the brake fluid, all the things that they’re actually believing that someone is there to help them. “Oh my gosh. My, my antivirus is expired. I need to pay this right away.” They create a sense of urgency in whatever the scam is doing. “Your computer is not working. You need my help. I need to buy parts” or whatever the case may be. I need to go buy lumber to fix the porch over the roof.
So it creates this need for communication with family on all, all levels. And you don’t like we talked about, you don’t want to feel like you’re crying or spying, but you do have to listen. And what, what happened with my own family was my mom would say “don’t tattle on me.” Faith Marshall: It’s like she felt bad. “I sucked into it again.” You know, don’t tattle on me. And she didn’t want us to worry. But yet we needed to be part of those conversations to alert the authorities and reach out to the AARP and the local police department, and be more educated about it, and be more mindful. And neighbors again can be helpful with all of that, because they’re the ones who may be in conversation with your loved one over the fence. You know, next door saying hi.
Suzanne: It’s a really difficult road for families right now, especially if you have a loved one with dementia because that loved one with dementia has a reality and they have every right to their reality, whether they’re accurate or not, it’s their world and it’s the truth to them and, and it’s really important for all of us as as their loved ones, their sons, their daughters, their family, friends, their siblings, their spouses, to allow them their dignity and yet at the same time to be prepared for when certain things happen. My whole piece is, start having family discussions up front, build a sense of trust with their loved ones. And, you know, I think this is one of the things that, when we talk about
the most important thing that you can do with your loved one, and being a family caregiver is to establish trust with that parent or with that loved one. If you’re a spouse, you’re likely trustworthy. But, I see too often that there is a division between the adult and the adult child because there’s that, that trust factor that the adult child isn’t around very much, they’re not engaged very much with that senior loved one. They may live out of town so they don’t live day to day with this person. And if you’re vulnerable, you’re gonna hang on to the things that you trust most, which may not necessarily mean the most healthy thing for you. The other thing, I am really a strong believer in starting to have dialogues where you don’t have elephants in the room. You know, it’s ok to start having healthy, difficult conversations early and, how you do that in my world is start speaking about your own fears, your own concerns. You know, mom and dad, I was laying in bed last night and I couldn’t fall asleep because I was thinking about this.
Faith Marshall: Yeah, that’s one of the first things I do with coaching, is hold the family together and have those conversations. Many family members can be in denial and fear as well as the patient themselves. But forming that network and getting access to the bank accounts before there’s a problem and following the finances and maybe taking over the bill paying, and those kinds of things that can help with all of that, so that at least you can respond to something if it does happen. And then encouraging that communication so that it isn’t like mom did, don’t tattle on me. You’re aware before it’s a bigger problem.
Suzanne: Yeah. And bear in mind if you don’t see your loved one very often, and talk to them on the phone, and all of a sudden you visit and you’re seeing now a bunch of papers that are laying on a table, or bills are piling up, things like that, those are indicators that maybe their mind is not working as normal. This is something unusual, is something that maybe instead you say, mom, let me help you. There’s also great services out there. I know of one that is amazing and it’s called Silver Bills. And they will actually do all the financial bill paying on behalf of a loved one, so that you don’t have to worry about the day to day expenses of your loved one. If there’s any concern, they will notify the power of attorney or that designated person, but still give you that $500 a month or whatever amount of money to that loved one, so that they’re not in a situation where they’re vulnerable and I think that’s the key.
Faith Marshall: Yeah. Yeah. Not vulnerable and, and not at the grocery checkout with a declined debit card.
Suzanne: Exactly. So, faith, I know that we’ve talked a lot about families with dementia. How can you have those conversations about concern, about being scammed, without them feeling vulnerable or defensive?
Faith Marshall: Well, there’s so much when someone has a diagnosis to cover, and in a summary of highlights of things that need to happen once you have a diagnosis, that’s just one of the items on my topic list. And then we just dive into each specific thing, based on the need of the patient. Is it that we need to figure out a care plan first, and then outline who in the family is on the family team, and the care team, whether it’s family or whether it’s professional caregivers. So they all have a job, just like you would in a business, and then that person or that family member is responsible for kind of checking in and making sure that those parts of it are happening and, and everything is um moving along smoothly.
And then, and there’s always like an alert of if something goes awry. But establishing that line of communication is key for any family to be successful. It’s unfortunate that sometimes that’s more difficult than it sounds depending on, you know, geographically where they are or whether there was something that was uncomfortable even between siblings that makes it hard to overcome.
Suzanne: And you do support groups online. Tell us a little bit about that, and how can people get involved.
Faith Marshall: Well, I think it’s really important for people to feel heard and feel part of a community, find their tribe. So by doing group coaching, I do an introduction to group coaching the first week of every month and I would encourage you to sign up for that, and just check it out. You find people either close in proximity to you or just close to your situation, and having someone to talk to when you’re going through this, that truly understands, it can be so supportive, and we all need our community and we need to be heard. A lot of people use Facebook groups for that. Facebook is 24/7. You can post something at any time, and get a response at two in the morning. But just having someone that maybe you could go have coffee with in your own local community that is also dealing with the day to day, the, you know, like the book, the 36-hour-day is a key.
And everybody is on a different step in that journey, and some that have been there can help advise those that are going there, and vice versa. Just getting that compassion and a feeling of um a sense of peace of mind and less overwhelmed, less overwhelmed so well.
Suzanne: Before we close out, how do people sign up? How do we reach you?
Faith Marshall: The best way to reach me is by email, [email protected]. And my phone number is (855) 36FAITH, and that allows for text and phone conversations.
Suzanne: Wonderful. I’m just gonna close out the show again for the AARP’s Fraud Watch Network Helpline. And that number is 877-908-3360. And Faith, thanks folks, so much for being on the show. We’ve missed you. Thank
Faith Marshall: I’ve missed you.
Suzanne: And to each and every one of you, you know what I always say, be good to each other.
