Impact of Alzheimer’s Diagnosis on Family, Part 1 with Faith Marshall

The following Answers for Elders podcast features author innovator, Alzheimer’s and dementia family coach Faith Marshall … And welcome everyone to Alzheimer’s, and we are here with the wonderful dementia coast expert author publish author, you name it, Faith Marshall, I’m so glad you’re back, and I am really excited to talk about this hour’s topic, which is we’re going to talk about families and siblings, and you know kind of the whole unit around someone that may be suffering with Alzheimer’s and dementia and how to be most supportive as a family unit and so Faith, welcome back. I know you work with a lot of families, and you know this is a really wonderful topic for us to talk about. Yes, thank you! So much Suzanne, it’s always a joy to be here. Well, i love having you here because we have you know one of the things that happens when somebody’s diagnosed with dementia or al seiners. It affects the entire family and especially, if that’s the matriarch or the patriarch of the family. Maybe they are the pillar of the family, things kind of evolve around mom or dad’s house, and all of a sudden mom gets alzheimer’s. What happens? Typically, what happens in a family when that when that goes on? Well, when, when it happens, typically, the family has started to notice some symptoms before the formal diagnosis and we go through this fear and denial and everybody’s not always on the same page. The person who’s dealing with the patient most is more aware of the different contrasting things that can happen. There’s a whole list of ten symptoms that people can watch for and there’s a lot of help around that. But what typically happens is it’s your mommy and you don’t want this. You don’t want this diagnosis and we want to fix it, and so, in my case there were three of us and my dad said: there’s something wrong with your mom in the head. That was his explanation, yeah and she was looking for a dog they hadn’t had for ten years and and so we started paying attention and it was a few years before we had the formal diagnosis m, and in my book i talked about my my trip to phoenix with mom, and i titled that chapter forgetful and finish because that was the moment in time when i realized that this is real. This isn’t all my denial had to be parked aside. When she looked at me and started talking about her daughter- and i was like wait- a minute you’re looking right at me and you’re talking to me and telling me about your daughter, and so you have. Each person has their own emotional experience right with that diagnosis, and so it takes a little bit of time for families to get on the same page and figure out how to deal with it because they’re not all at the same starting point, absolutely so helping them get there independently, as well as a group there’s, usually someone who steps up like you did with your mom. You just decided that’s what needed. That’s what you needed to do and you did a huge pivot to do that, and many of us do yeah and statistically. Sixty percent of caregivers are women. Part of it is the demographic and you know the age and whether they worked outside of the home or not, and all of that i think we’re way beyond that in this in this current times, but there’s still a little bit of those assumptions that i think it’s expectation to right in a family, but you know i remember when my mom was having to be taken quote unquote taken care of. I remember. First of all, my mom- and i never got along is you know, is my growing up. We were like oil and water, i was my dad’s girl, my mom and dad were divorced, so she resented the fact that i was like my father yeah. So that was interesting and i remember just feeling like every time she would call it was sometimes i feel like it was nails on a chalkboard, because there was so much criticism and negativity, and you know that type of you know my mom was very demanding and very you know, just very things had to be a certain way and i and i was so opposite to her. She was she was reserved. She was controlled. You know as a person she saw spoken and here’ss me out there right. So what was interesting, though, is- i remember the shift in me when i walked into the er and saw her laying on a gourney and when she had broken her pelvis and they had to send her to a rehab and all these things that had happened. That and i had driven up from seattle to anna cortis, to my home town, and i saw her, and i remember that feeling of all of the inks that i felt before kind of just left me. It was like, i don’t know what happened to me magically, but there was something that happened to me where all of that just made no difference, and it was like now it’s the time for, and i almost saw her as like this fragile little bird yeah, that i needed d. Do you relate to that a little yeah yeah? It is there’s like this threshold when you crash over it and you realize that they do need, they do need help and there- and this is not intentional nos- is just something that has happened and they need help and they need support, and we do we is, you know, as i’ve said, pull up your big go, girl, panties and you just do it yeah, and and i’m grateful for that, that awareness when we when we recognize and we honor, that our love land needs something they didn’t need before and yeah it’s. You stepped over that hurdle of a relationship issue, and that is so common. It’s like it’s it’s it’s a shift. It’s an emotional shift and it’s a whole different part of the grief process of watching someone vanish from who they were to who they are well and that shift within that family caregiver. Let’s just say that persons made that shift we’re talking about siblings, the hanso, the family changes the dynamic changes, because you know little sister may say to big sister, mollie, hey, you never took care of momor never got along with mom. Why are you now all of a sudden stepping up to do this or you know, there’s all these different types of dynamics within families that happen, because everybody’s changing and the landscape is changing? Is yes very much so, and so the families have to first get over that sense of denial and fear, and the fear lasts for a long time. Quite honestly, as each new phase happens, but they need to kind of figure out. What can we do? Can we pull together who’s working full time? It’s like starting a business yeah, it’s looking at what are your strengths? What are you good at my brother was great with finances, so he immediately took over all the finances and the banking and all of that and then another and another one was counting pills and making sure the pharmaceuticals were in order, and it was about sharing those duties, and it didn’t mean that that person had to be actively present no hearing, but you can manage remotely and it’s just navigating that and getting all on the same page, and i can honestly say it does not happen quickly, nor many families, but i think it’s also important that everybody feels like they have a role right in the process and- and certainly you know with with what you do to help facilitate that- tell me a little bit about how you work with families to help that out. Well, the first consult would be just how many siblings are there? What like i? What are they good at? Where are they at in this process? Where are they geographically and help figure out, and it’s a lot of listening to start with because it could be, you know, johnny got th the new bike. I always got the hammen, or, i guess, finds of stuff comes up when we start dealing with our siblings. So do that oftentimes with the senior present or not, or how does it do mat does it depend or how usually, what is the typical there’s? Usually one person that reaches out first and it’s usually the same person that stepped up to do care, giving okay or it’s the sibling, who wants to make sure that their big sister can handle it and they’re concerned about it. So it’s mostly just navigating who’s on first who’s, who’s going to help manage things. How are we going to do it and how are we going to communicate and in some in some cases, depending on the stage of diagnosis, it’s good to talk about all of those things that are going to directly affect the loved one right and have them participate as long as possible. You’re not going to take their carkis away without them, knowing it you’re not going to all of a sudden, take over paying their bills, there’s a dance between who’s going to help and how they’re going to help, because none of us want to have our independence taken away. So it’s a, i think i think communication is so val, vital right now, right in everything that everyone’s kind of open with what’s happening, and so that there’s an ongoing dialogue and certain you can help facilitate that yeah and- and i encourage people to use like a google spreadsheet for finances. So everybody knows where the money’s going money is typically a big concern. They don’t know how much money mom has how she’s going to pay for it. You know, and and just keeping it up out in the open, instead of one person being accused of. Why did she need to have her nails done every week and and things like that that came up with our family? It’s because she still enjoys it. You know- and i think the big thing is like you said, communication we used email so that we weren’t verbally discussing things in front of the loved one. So mom didn’t hear us fighting because then they still pick up on that energy, even if they may be at a stage where they don’t understand. What they’re saying, if you’re, having harsh words with a sibling, the loved one, will pick up on that. So there’s so much to this, and i’m excited to share in these episodes today how we can help families well- and we are very excited, obviously to have you as a team member on answers for alders radio and to each a every one of you. If you have family members that are taking care of a senior love one, it doesn’t even really have to be that they have dementia, there’s all different types of issues that goes on in a family as a senior you know made decline in health or things like that, or maybe you just want to utilize faith for just a touch base consultation. You actually do some consultation tino. I do and of the consultation that you do for answers for elders. I have an offering for a $200 gift certificate that you can use for your first consultation with me and see if i can help you and it’s listening to you, seeing where you’re at where you, where your love one not and what the situation is and just kind of sloping out how i can help support you, and i would love to do that Suzanne. Well, i’m excited to talk further about this this hour and everyone faith will be right back and part two right after this.