Putting a Plan Together, Part 4 with Faith Marshall

The following Answers for Elders podcast features author, innovator, Alzheimer’s and dementia family coach Faith Marshall. … And welcome everyone back to part four of this hour, as we’ve been talking about siblings, talking about how to work together in the best most effective way, with the wonderful Faith Marshall and Faith, you have been so helpful and brought up a lot of really key insights about where families are and what’s going on and what’s happening, and you know we’ve talked a little bit about. You know who’s on first, but then what happens? We have this final step. So now you know what is what goes next once we get that? Is there like a plan that comes up what what happens exactly? Thank you Suzanne. I say that it’s almost like a sports team, where each person has their responsibilities, and – a plan; – a game plan, exactly, and the game plan is the care plan and you need to be at like in playing sports. You need to be able to react to what’s happening, but you’ve got your key person, who’s, organizing and then each other team. Member has something that they can do to help and contribute, and that could be watching the bank account to make sure that money isn’t going where it shouldn’t. There’s i’d love to do another episode on elder scam, because there’s a lot of that that happens sadly, and and so you’ve got someone watching the bank account, you got someone else watching the pharmaceuticals you’ve got someone a key person who goes with them to the doctor’s appointments and tracks. What is changing and presenting the list of sim symptoms to the doctors, and then the other person might be doing the legal aspects of it like making sure there’s a power of attorney, making sure that there’s a financial plan managing that budget in so that you can see how long is the money going to last? What’s the income sources, what are the expenses? Do we have to plan for professional care that can be seventy five hundred to ten k a month? It’s a lot of those things if you can handle them and have them all on the table, it alleviates a little of that fear and allows you to prepare. So you do have to plan for i’d, say ten years and depending on when they’re diagnosed, if you plan that long, then at least you’ve got you’ve got your ducks in a row and you’ve got your game plan for the game, and you know what to look for for the next stages that the patient might be going through and managing the medications and- and all of that can also invio- involve some clinical trials. That can be very advantageous for the early stages. So there’s a lot of moving parts and if you have the plan it gives you a peace of mind. If you know who to call if you are the primary caregiver and you get the flu, you know who to call to figure out who’s going to come, pick up mom and take her for the day so that i don’t get her sick with whatever this is or take mom to the hair appointment. It could be something that you might have a full time job, but you can enjoy taking mom to the hair appointment and that can be your thing. Lunch and the hair appointment. I started doing doing mom’s nails myself and that was just my weekly visit. I became her nail care person and each sibling can come up with something that they do feel comfortable with. If it’s not interacting with the patient directly, it can be handling the prescription refills and making sure that that you have everything you need on hand. It can be staying on top of the depends orders it there’s just so many parts moving parts. I also want to encourage families to remember the person who is in the front line the primary caregiver, the the the person a of tema and bring them flowers and say: can i bring dinner so you don’t have to make it so. The most important thing in this journey is remembering the love. There’s a reason why you’re in the place that you need that you are in in supporting a loved one and if it’s a parent that sacrifice things for you, you may feel obligated to fact sacrifice for them, but that’s not really the main point. The main point is this: journey is heart felt and everyone’s dealing with their emotions, and if you can support the loved one first hand face to face, take time to do that, enjoy that journey with them. You’ll feel better in the end, if you did, then, if you let your if you, if you succumb to the fear- and you avoid interacting with them- because it’s too emotionally hard for you, but you just need to come together as a family support each other as well as the loved one, and do it with a heart, felt compact compassion. Yes, you might have to take a day off from work to go to the doctor. Yes, you might have to miss a soccer game of your kids, but it’s it’s go you’re going to enjoy this journey more. The more you interact and the more you support each other and embracing each other’s emotions, as you go is, is really critical, because if you know how your siblings feel- and if you can talk about it, then it just brings this continuity and harmony in embracing the journey, and none of us do well with friction and energy that comes from friction and fighting it. Just it’s not important any longer. Whatever happens, you know you got the hammed bicycle, who cares? It’s like just get over it and you put the dent in the car and johnny got blamed for it. It doesn’t matter any more, it doesn’t matter and you can make you can make jokes about those things and and walk through those and a family can really heal some of those wounds by coming together and dealing with this, and it’s not a quick one and done so. No, don’t try to pretend that it is right, it can derail a family and it can bring a family together, and i encourage people to do your best to just bring the family together and support one another and whatever that looks like for you, and sometimes there are family members that just don’t want to play. They want to sit on the side line and they want to curt criticize the coach just like they do their kids soccer or they want to criticize their sibling. I encourage them to just stop it, just not enough just support them. Keep your mouth shut, if you’re, if, if you’re not going to do anything supportive to help them just park it and and it sometimes it takes that mediation, but really it’s all about love m. A lot of fine is love and caring. I love that, and it’s also you know, i think about at the end of every show, i always say, be good, be good to each other, because i really think it’s really about being good to one another and having a be gentle and be, you know, have compassion because everyone has their own filters, their own experiences their own. You know you know ways of coping, and certainly i know for my the stuff that i had with my mom growing up when i think about all the hardship and the heartache that i put her through as a child and even into my adulthood. You know i live with that guilt every day, but the good news is is that i redeemed myself in her eyes right t care of her, and so it was care giving and being there for a loved one at the end of their lives is a wonderful way to redeem yourself. It’s a good way to find. You know find the good things about one another and recognize strength that you may not realize that one another has in a family yeah everyone’s different, even though we all have the same dna. You know our personalities are totally unique and now to make after different. You know aspects of our of our family members. Yeah things are important, yeah and- and you do like you said you have to put the ego aside, sometimes and just think about the loved one and think about what they need and and encourage each other instead of criticizing each other. So it makes a stronger team and a stronger family unit and it can’t be of beauty. It can be a beautiful experience m and i you know i couldn’t agree with you more and as we’re closing out this hour. It’s like faith, it’s like if you, if you could give one piece of advice and i’m kind of putting you on the spot right now, but it’s you know, you’ve talked about it’s all about love and i think that’s a wonderful way to almost you know, encapsulate what we’ve been talking about this hour, but using that as the framework, if you could o give one piece of advice to a family in that how? How would you? What would you say? Well, a simple way to put it is sometimes you just have to get out of your head and into your heart. Your head is trying to figure all this out and your heart is listening to is listening to the situation and embracing it and your head and your heart may not agree m. But if you, if you can make heart, felt decisions for the loved one and for your siblings and family, that’s a that’s a better place to be, and you feel better about it in the end. Just listen listening to your heart, and wouldn’t it be a great thing if families could find instead of spending so much time on why we can’t get along instead, how? How can we come together start asking the right questions, yeah, i’m between each other, and how can i help you is all you have to say is how can i help you yeah and just really to just change that mindset of how can we come together as a as a family and do best by our loved one, and i think that’s really what it right at what it really comes down to? Is that factor of love and support and understanding and compassion really yeah? That’s it so er faith. It’s been so great having you on the show today, and thank you so much. You know these. These are very, very powerful things to remember and helping cake take care of a loved one, and i know for all of us that have been through it like you and i there’s a lot of hindsight, 20/20, we learned from our experiences yep yep. Sometimes you just got to get out of your own way. I know so, but we’re here from for all of our families that are here that have loved ones, and so please, reach out to Faith.