As we approach the holiday season, we look forward most to the time we spend with our family and friends. We make plans and anticipate the joy that we will experience through our time together. We make lists, and shop to our heart’s content. Most of us find “magic” in the season, and our hearts open wide to help those less fortunate than ourselves.
This is a call to each and every one of you to first read this article and then, please, do something over this holiday season to help a senior who may be all but forgotten.
Let me share with you a story about “Bea” whom my Mom introduced to me. She lived in the same skilled nursing facility that my mother did. My mom, the perpetual caregiver (even when she was not able to care for herself), shared with me her concern for this very sad lady who broke my mom’s heart.
You see, I learned that Bea was what statistics call an “elder orphan.” She had no one to call “family” except for a son. (I later learned that he basically moved her in and never visited.) Bea’s husband had passed away about 15 years earlier. As her health declined, depression set in most likely to due her living alone. A caring neighbor discovered she had little food in her house, had no one to help her and no heat. She became a ward of the state about 6 years prior to being relocated to the skilled nursing facility where my mom lived.
My mother always wanted to make sure Bea was ok. Often times when I would bring my mother’s favorite treat (a root beer float) into the community room, we would see Bea sitting alone at a table. I would bring her one too and her face would light up at the fact that someone actually noticed her and cared enough to do something for her. (I have to thank my mother for noticing, because had it not been for her, I honestly would not have thought to bring Bea anything. Shame on me!)
It is estimated, by Kenneth W. Wachter, Ph. D., Chair of the Department of Demography, at the University of California at Berkeley, that “the number of Americans between the ages of 70 and 85, without a living spouse, without any biological or stepchildren, and without living siblings or half-siblings, will total more than 2 million people by the year 2030.” I anticipate that this number is even greater when factoring in seniors who have children or family, but who are too busy to visit or care. It frankly outrages me at the apathy that in this society today toward seniors.
In 2004, Geriatric Times, posted an article with this quote from Bruce G. Rosenthal, of the American Homes and Services for the Aging:
“As many as 60% of nursing home residents have no regular visitors.” In times past, seniors were part of an extended family, with children or grandchildren nearby, who would assist them in their later years. But with families living all over the globe, there is often not a relative close by, or more often, one who is willing to take on the burden of an aging parent. Many older people express a desire to remain independent for as long as possible so that they can continue with their daily living patterns, and retain their privacy and dignity. But the ravages of aging often prevent them from being well enough to live alone.”
Sadly, I saw women and men who were rarely visited by family or friends at the skilled nursing facility where my mother lived. I was told on numerous occasions by the staff how “lucky” my mom was that I made a special point to visit multiple times per week.
To this day I think about Bea. I have memories of the tears in her eyes when she would anticipate that maybe her son would come to visit that day, though he never did. Of course, I wonder if she is still alive and if her son ever comes to visit. I think also about the many seniors who live in cities, alone, with their windows sealed or nailed shut because they are so afraid of crime, afraid that someone will break in and they will be defenseless to protect themselves.
I think about the many seniors who are poor and sick, and unable to care for themselves, with no family that cares for them or friends.
I think about the many who often are dealing with some level of confusion or dementia over the loss of a spouse or loved one.
I think about them feeling helpless with overwhelming loneliness and sadness.
I think about when die, they will die alone.
It is such a tragic end for a person who may have given so much of their life to others, and yet, when it is their time to depart, there is no one who will be there for them. I feel a great deal of anger that anyone of an older generation has to be in such horrible situations. The world I came from before caring for my mom made me one of those ignorant people — completely oblivious to the plight of seniors. Now, after learning about the harsh reality of the world, I simply refuse to ignore this issue any longer.
Will you please help?
This holiday season I ask that each one of you to look into your heart and find ONE THING to do for a senior. (A Top Ten posting is here with suggestions.) If you know of an elder orphan like Bea, can you “adopt” them for the holiday in some way? If you don’t know someone, call your local skilled nursing facility. It’s likely they have many residents who whose life you could change in an instant.
I know that my life, since being thrust into the role of “family caregiver,” has been profoundly changed in a positive way. I have learned so much from the wisdom and increased awareness of seniors, and I promise you that if you do just one thing for an elder orphan over the few weeks that are left in the year, it will enrich your own life forever.
