Tips 3 and 4 For Making Holidays Successful

And welcome back everyone to Answers for Elder’s Radio Network. And we are here with Kelley Smith from CarePartners Senior Living, and we’re talking about how to enjoy the holiday season, or any family gathering for that matter, with those who have Alzheimer’s disease, or dementia, or any sort of memory impairment, whether it’s Parkinson’s or Louie body or any of those types – my mom had vascular dementia. We have just covered the first two tips, which for those of you, if you’re coming in on it with our second segment, it’s Smaller, Simpler, Shorter, the first one. Number two is Using Their Retained Abilities. They all have those amazing abilities, within themselves. It’s up to us to pull those out and figure those out. And then number three is, what is it, Kelley? This is a big one.

– Are you ready to hear the same story multiple times?
– I know it. How many times did I hear it? Like in within the next two minutes, asking the same stories, and I love her advice on this, so what is Teepa’s advice on this, Kelley?
– Well, let’s see, what does she say here. Just basically, we have to remember, too, that this is also a good way to connect with mom and dad. I think a lot of times you hear the same story, what if you asked a few more questions? What if, while dad was telling your story about his fishing trip to Alaska – like you brought up and you’ve heard it nine times – ask who went with you? Who went? How long have you known Bobby? Didn’t you guys grow up together? You can steer the story to see what else do they have in there? But again, like Teepa likes, this is also a connection. A lot of times, people hear these stories, and one of these days you’re not gonna hear that story any more. And how many of your grandkids and things, what about taking the opportunity to record some of these stories over the holidays? These are things that I look back on, things I wish I had of my grandparents.

– Yeah, it’s true, and one of the things I remember in a video that she talks about, when she acts like she’s the person with dementia, and she says, did I tell you I grew up in Tennessee? And if you say yes, you’ve already told me that, what you’re doing is you’re blocking them, number one, from telling something that’s good for them. It’s good for their brain to process. But the other thing that it does is it basically they say no, and they have no memory of telling you that they grew up in Tennessee. And so what happens is they’re turning around to Mary over here and saying, why did you tell so and so that I grew up in Tennessee? Right. So the whole idea is that it can just open up a can of worms. Remember that person, they’re looking, they want to connect with you. They’re doing the very best that they can. So I love what you say is, keep as the right answer to that is, tell me about that.

– Exactly, tell me about that, when did that happen? And again, engage them in a conversation. Cause you know how rude that would feel without dementia. How rude is it: somebody loves you, and they come into your house and they go, did I ever tell you? And you go, yeah, you already told me that.
– My husband does that all the time.
– I can get tired about that, about the second time. Do you want somebody to shut up around you and quit talking, because of your tone? Again, don’t shut them down so quick. And even if the story is not true – I told a few whoppers when I’ve had surgery before, like you come out and say “I said what?”

– That next year, you may not be able to hear that same story. They may be still with you, but you don’t know. This may be the last time you’re going to hear that story. Allowing them the time to process, they’re not going to get it out quickly. I know with my mom it took her a while to kind of form her words at times, and sometimes it really bothered me when I would take her to a restaurant and a server would stand there like, hurry, what what do you want to have off the menu? You know? And here she’s just trying to process her speech to get it out. And that show of irritation because they’re trying to get the order in, in a quick level. And it’s hard for the that individual to to really come and connect on that level. And just for us all to remember that as we all are processing things differently, especially the ability to think through dialogue is a challenge, and I think that’s one of the things that we always have to remember always. Okay, next one, what’s number four?

– This is one of my favorites, to be honest with you, and we can talk about it here. Avoid Direct Corrections. What she says is, just like most people, corrections don’t make you feel good about yourself. Now we also have to realize that, like she says, a person living with dementia, their brain doesn’t fire the same way yours does. I’ll tell you something, I’ve been embarrassed in the past by well-meaning people who correct you, and the first thing I always jumped to is, I don’t remember you being my mother, and I’m not five, right? Now, you have dementia and you don’t really even understand first of all what was said, but now, coming at you, this correction, it’s kind of – why, why? Again, if it’s part of their journey, I’ve always been a big fan of “follow them where they’re going.” Correcting somebody, it’s a little demeaning, in a way.

– And that is so true, especially if you’re a care partner of someone. I remember going to doctor appointments with my mom, and I knew we were there for a certain reason, and she would get all mixed up. The doctor would ask her questions, and I started out, in the interest of wanting to be accurate, I would correct her in the doctor’s appointment, and that was not okay under any circumstances. But I realized, and this was one of the things that I learned, which was helpful to me, is I wrote a note to the doctor before the appointment. I put it in a white envelope, and when we would come into the into the doctor’s office, I would just hand the white envelope with the doctor’s name on it. and they would just stick that right on the chart and that was all there was to it. It was really easy. I made sure that the doctor would read it before she would come in to see my mom, and so I could just sit back and not say a word. Those are little things… what are the things that maybe mom or Dad get mixed up in the facts? Those are some things that you can certainly look at, as far as how can you be better off, when it matters, for communication, when the facts matter, there’s different ways in which you can communicate them without confronting. That’s what she’s saying. When it’s not important. I like what she says, just go with the flow.

– Yeah, right. it’s just like not every story is going to be 100% accurate, not every every memory is going to be 100%, and that’s okay. Remember, they’re doing the best they can too.

– When you’re talking about going with the flow, you don’t have to be accurate every time. If you’re a care partner, you want to do a good job, and it’s almost like it’s more difficult to let it go, because you’re trying so much to do everything right, but there’s never gonna be anything right. There’s never gonna be anything perfect. And that’s one of the things, for all those of us that are caring for loved ones that have Alzheimer’s dementia: just know it’s never going to be perfect.

– It’s not, and you have to give yourself a little grace in that too. Remember that you’re not going to be perfect. It’s still a learning curve for you too, so give yourself a little bit of a break.

– And I think that this whole thing of ‘go with the flow,’ which is what she said, is… even when we’re talking about memories, mom might be talking about her favorite car that she drove when you grew up, and it might be that, she said, “When I drove my pink Mustang,” and you knew that Mustang was not pink. Let it go. It’s not that important. And I think that’s one of the things that I know, in the dynamics of families, it kind of counter-balances everything that a lot of us have been taught, and understanding that there may be people that may be misunderstanding things. May mom or dad might have information wrong about how you stole from this store, and it was your brother or sister, or something like that, and they got you mixed up. Let it go.

– Let it go. It’s not life for death. Let it go. You have to remember too, they’re doing the best they can with the memories that they’ve got. They’re not liars, they’re not trying to set you up, but just telling a story, and they might not get all the details right. Is it important? No, so again pick your battles.

– Yeah. One thing I think is really important is really checking in with yourself through the day and making sure that you let your family know to let it go. Let give them the tips that gear sharing, because I think this is really important. And, so, in the meantime, Kelley, you have communities from Marysville to Linden all the way down to Lacy, and Arizona. And you have what’s called the cottages, which is an amazing concept in senior living. And I am so excited to talk about this topic, because your level of care for those who have dementia Alzheimer’s is just incredible, and I am so honored to be working with you. And so, Kelley and I are are going to be right back right after this, for the fine all two tips of getting through the holidays most effectively with those with Alzheimer’s and dementia.