No matter what stage of life of change that we go through, we all must remember that change is hard. Most of us resist it. Almost all of us resist it when it’s not our idea, or if we feel like we cannot control what is happening. So imagine, if you have a senior loved one who you see warning signs that a change needs to be made, chances are, it will be a huge “ordeal” for them.
I have had family after family come up to me and say, “I am concerned about my dad/mom, but they won’t move.” After a while in questioning them and learning more about the situation, it’s likely that in most cases, their parent felt like it was forced on them, and there wasn’t adequate communication with them to allow them to feel like they were the one deciding for themselves.
At the end of the day I always recommend that you call on a professional to make those changes with your family, like Daphne Davis- who we all love on Answers for Elders. I encourage you to listen to her many many podcasts on this subject, because they will help to enlighten you on ways to make this process go easier for everyone.
Here are also some tips to help:
- Don’t force conversations. Give your parent or loved one time to think about a conversation before it happens. My suggestion is to say something like, “Mom, all of us as your children have been having some concerns about how things in your life could be much better, like not having to be alone all day, and having help to do things that are more difficult I would like to have you think about what your thoughts are, and let’s have a conversation in a week or so (schedule it) so that we can discuss options.”
In having this type of upfront conversation with a parent, you are telling them that 1. They are part of the decision, and that no decision is being made today. It is in the spirit of collaboration and support.
- Plan effectively. Take time learning about the new place where they are going. Take time to pay notice to the things in your parents’ home that are most important to them. If they are moving into retirement living, chances are that their apartments will be a small fraction of their current residence. They won’t be cooking much, and hopefully they will find a new circle of friends who they will have fun with, and not inside their apartments as much. They won’t need many of the things they already have at home.
- First things first! I did a lot of things wrong, but one thing I did right with my mom when she moved into retirement living was that I first asked her to make a list of everything she wants to bring. What are her favorite furniture pieces? What photos on the wall were most valuable to her? (She loved family pics so we created a collage of photos on her bedroom wall so that every morning she would wake up to her family’s smiling faces.) We took the time to talk to her about her daily routine and how things might change moving forward.
- Keep them out of the fray. We arranged to have the guest unit at the senior community available for her for three days while we were moving her and putting together her new apartment. She came over several times to inspect the progress we were making on her new home. Call on your siblings and relatives to help sort through your parents’ belongings. You can also rely on outside services as well that can do estate sales and additional types of distribution of items that they own.
- Ask for help. Your relatives and close friends could be a huge help for you right now. Don’t be shy. Reach out to them and ask for their assistance at this time. No matter what you think, moving a senior out of their home, downsizing, and then getting a home ready for sale is a HUGE undertaking. Rely on outside services to help and support your family.
- Take the trip down memory lane. As large as the task is, allow your loved one who is moving to have their feelings and memories about items that you come across when you are sorting and packing. Take memory breaks to share about experiences and their special memories of life. Yes, you may have heard the story several times how they “found this painting in a thrift store that was really worth more than they paid for it.” Or, how your mom “saved the first lock of hair that you had cut off as a child.” Or how every single solitary item in their possession has special memories. Allow this to be a time of reflection for them. This can be full of special moments. There will be memories of a home, of vacations, of professional accolades, and many more things.
- Prepare the home for next steps. That might be getting it ready for sale. It might mean that the family keeps it as a rental. Either way, there will be things to repair and things to clean. There will likely be things that need to be replaced. Any maintenance issues will need to be addressed to make sure that when a new resident moves in that everything is taken care of.
- Make moving day easy. If you are moving Mom or Dad into a new senior community, allow them to just arrive, without hassle or concern for all the packing and moving. My mother just drove herself (yes, she still drove) to the community and into her new parking place. We met her upon arrival, and she was escorted up to the guest unit. We then could pack up her stuff and get it transported without her having to deal with being under tow of boxes and supplies any more than necessary.
- Find and create joy! Keep it always at the forefront that this is not an easy time for them. Be more forgiving when or if they snap at you. Don’t take it personally. Open your heart to the magnitude of experience that your loved one is dealing with. Find ways to bring some joy into this experience. That might mean all breaking for lunch or dinner and joining them in the dining room. It might mean a housewarming gift of something that a parent would love, like buying dad a new TV or computer. It might mean to create something fun for mom in their new residence that they may love. It also might mean a beautiful bouquet of flowers for mom to enjoy in her new home.
- Don’t forget the little things. If your loved one is moving into an apartment with a kitchen, don’t forget to stock the fridge with their staple items and some additional goodies in the cupboard. Hopefully they will love the food at their new home, but they also might appreciate having some fresh fruit, dairy items or juice in the fridge too. Also, make sure they have an adequate supply of their favorite toiletries. I had a policy to always make sure there was a spare of everything that my mom used. That way when she ran out, I didn’t have to drop everything and replace it for her.
At the end of the day, these ten tips can be helpful for everyone in your family, and most importantly, help your loved one adapt to a “new normal” in their lives.
