There are so many times that I have met families who are struggling with resistant parents to change in their lives. They see their parent failing, and not being able to do the things they did in the past. They may have balance issues. They may have fallen or had health problems that have kept them homebound.
As family members, we sometimes forget that for a senior their lives run at a different pace than what ours does. We often times forget that taking a moment to allow them to process changes, or new ways of doing things is necessary.
I am of the mindset that it isn’t the actual “change” that our loved ones are resistant to. It is instead, the feeling that they do not have a choice, and that they feel like things are pushed upon them and feeling like they are entering an unknown realm. Most often I believe that families don’t remember simple things like allowing them to process changes in their own timing if possible.
Making it easier can mean having conversations about the upcoming changes before it’s necessary. Finding ways to come together as a family after a period of time can be a good thing when a senior knows that “no decisions are being made today.” It allows them to feel like they can anticipate what will happen and how. It honors the process that they, themselves will be going through.
Interview home care agencies before it’s time. If there was one piece of advice that I could give a senior is to interview home care agencies before they need one. Think about it. If Mom or Dad have a fall and they break a hip, the hospital will release them with proper “home care.” Well guess what, if they don’t have a company identified that they like, (and there are many of them) it will be a simple luck of the draw. It will take longer to have whatever company that shows up to get to know their likes or dislikes. They may not be the best fit for your parent.
By interviewing home care agencies in advance, you are being proactive for when, or if, a senior needs care. It costs you nothing as a family, and you will feel confident that everything is in place, so if that day comes, there is someone who can step in easily.
If a pending move is on the horizon, often times it can be to a new city, to be near their children. Not only will your loved ones be saying goodbye to their home, but also a community that they may have been a part of for many years. Talk to them about who and what is most important to them. Make sure that they have enough time to say their goodbyes, and take the time to understand fully, what these people mean to them. Also, if you can, experience these people with your loved one for the last time, so that you can personally understand the relationship that your parent may have with them. It might be a special restaurant, a social club or group, or it might be a hair stylist that Mom has been going to for years. These individuals have all made up the fabric of their lives, and for you to fully understand the significance of them can help them as they share their memories with you.
Meet with their current physician. Have a conversation with your parent about what their outcome might be when it comes to the future. Ask for recommendations on the type of healthcare practitioners that they recommend and make sure that the both physicians are able to connect and that records are transferred over.
Meet with an Elder Law Attorney. When was the last time your parents’ legal documents were reviewed? Due to changes in laws, it is always recommended that these documents are reviewed every 3-5 years. Make sure that the attorney is specifically an Elder Law and Estate Planning Attorney, who understands how a senior’s finances and funds need to be allocated. It can also help you prepare for an eventual conversion to Medicaid, if your parent outlives their assets. In addition, there will need to be an established Power of Attorney for Financial and a Health Directive. These are both documents to be discussed with the attorney, to make sure that your parents’ wishes are honored and followed through on.
Being Proactive can save huge headaches for not only your loved one, but also for you as an adult child. Having the hard conversations before they are necessary can help everyone in the family adjust to the future and it will help you all find peace along the way.
